You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get into a butt-kicking contest – with a one-legged man? Yeah – that’s mad… and somewhat cruel, to boot.
Here’s how you can tell you’re getting older. One day you wake up… and you want less buttons to push. Simple enough right? Easy and uncomplicated. It dawns on you that the Good Lord put you on this earth with one button – that being your belly-button. And that’s kind of how you’d like to go out.
The problem is – the world is going to more buttons. I mean – even down at the plant. I worked a machine for ten years… had three buttons and a foot pedal. Then they put in this computer deal… it was like operating a nuclear power plant. The only difference was – two days into it… I was the one that melted down.
That’s when they put me on the tow motor… and I never looked back.
Here’s another example… I brung in my TV remote to the station today. Look at this thing? People – I want to work a TV – not a dad-burn space shuttle!!
Here’s what your TV clicker needs… on and off. Sound… up or down. And channel… up or down. I had this remote for six years… there’s still buttons on here – I don’t know what they do. Like here’s a button – ‘menu’. Can you order food on your TV? Don’t that seem a little bit extravagant?
Then you got ‘guide’, ‘select’, ‘aspect’, ‘source’. I got buttons on here for ‘day’ and ‘page’. Apparently not only does this gizmo work the TV… it works a book, too.
Did you ever hit the wrong button on your TV remote… and something popped up on your screen there… and you couldn’t get it off. Yeah – I had some cockamamie display on my TV once for two days… I couldn’t get it off. Finally I gave up – and bought a new TV.
Wake up, America. That’s how come I don’t got a smart phone. I ain’t smart enough to figure out all the dang buttons. But I gotta go. My old lady called – and she can’t turn on the TV – I got the remote. I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.