You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna eat wood?
Yeah – me and the boys down at the Duck Inn last night… we figured out we are now members of the one-percent. No – we didn’t hit the lottery… and nobody kicked the bucket and left us no money. We are members of the one-percent of the world – that don’t give a rat’s butt about the World Cup.
Lord – this soccer crud is all over the place. ‘The World has come to Brazil!’ ‘It’s time for the Cup!’
Lemme see here. It’s also time for the Stanley Cup… the NBA playoffs… NASCAR… baseball… golf… MMA… bull riding and boxing. We’ll see if we can work you in.
Okay – here’s the first thing I don’t like about the World Cup. The teams all come from back-water, dung-heap, third-world hell-hole countries. You flip on your World Cup channel there… and you’re likely to see a game between Squatamala… versus… Whogivesacrapistan. Up to two seconds ago – you didn’t even know these were countries… and they got world class soccer teams???! How tough can this sport be?
Number two… they’re playing this World Cup thing in Brazil. Now – Brazil is known for two things… transvestites… and forty-foot long snakes. So if you was to go down there to see this soccer stuff live… there’s a good chance you’d be approached by both of those. And thank you – but we’re not interested.
Number three.. I can’t watch what they’re doing on the field.. and what the fans are doing in the stands… and match that up. This guy kicks the ball to that guy… who kicks it to that guy… who kicks it to another guy… and the crowd is dancing around and screaming like somebody electrified their underpants. I don’t think we’re watching the same thing.
Wake up, America. There’s only one good thing about the World Cup that I can figure. With 99% of the world wrapped up in this thing… that’s 99% of the world that took a break from trying to kill Americans. Except maybe with boredom. I’m Earl Pitts, American… and Pitts Off.