White Socks – Official foot-gear of the American Redneck

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna take those Fruit of the Loom boys down to the zoo – and throw them to the monkeys? White socks – Official foot-gear of the American Redneck.

You know what don’t get no credit… no thank you… and no fan-fare in this world today?  Besides yours truly – I mean.

Here’s what I’m thinking.  Socks.  To be more precise – the official foot-gear of the American Redneck – white socks.  Now – I was thinking on this… because my old lady just bought me a bag of new white socks.

And let me tell you something.  When a redneck slips on his new white socks for the first time… he knows what a newlywed bride must feel like when she slips on her first nightie.  The anticipation… the fabric sliding against the skin… the goose-bumps… the quickening of the heart.   And remember – this is just putting on his white socks.

Yuppies and white socks

That’s how come I can never understand when I see them brain-dead Yuppie idiots walking around in shoes with naked feet in them.  They say – it’s too hot for socks, Earl.  Yeah – well – it’s too hot for underpants, too… but I’m still wearing them.

That’s what it is – socks is underpants for your feet.  And no real American man is walking around foot commando.

Now to the question – how come redneck socks got to be white?  Number one – easier to clean.  You don’t got to pull a load out of the dryer – and start matching up colors.  Because white socks – all match.  Fact is – you know how people all complain about the dryer eating their socks… they’re always missing a sock??   If all you got is white socks – you’d never know.  Until you were down to one.

Think of the time that would save you each year – looking for lost socks.

Wake up, America!!!  The other question – mid-calf length.  Knee socks if you’re on a softball team… ankle length if you’re on a yacht.  Everybody else – standard issue.  I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Like me on Facebook.  And Pitts Off.