You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go to the north pole… an’ beat a penguin senseless?
This is my once a year commentary I do every May… what’s better – car racing… or horse racing? That’s because the biggest horse race… AND the biggest car race of the year are both this month.
Obviously – both types of racing got their fans. You got your hoity-toity, nose-in-the-air, yuppie, mint-tulip sucking, stupid big-hat wearing Hollywood dandy, Triple Crown horse racing fans. And then you got everybody else – that likes car racing.
Us car racing fans like to point out… a horse never hits the wall in turn three and explodes into a fireball. And we like to remind those Triple Crown swells your average NASCAR racing car has 750 horse-power. Your average Triple Crown horse – has … one.
Now – your average car racing… like the Indy 500… takes about 3 to 5 hours to complete – depending on speed, wrecks, caution flags and the occasional tornado or whatever else weather phenomenon is gunning through Indianapolis at the end of May. Your average Triple crown horse race… takes about two minutes. Hell – that don’t even give you time to find your seat. Yeah – in car racing you’re following the leader poll… watching the pit crews in action. Going an’ buying maybe five beers.
Horse racing is… “And they’re off. And… they’re finished.”
And now… your average car racing is a thinking man’s sport. Your driver is making split second critical decisions. Do I draft? Do I have enough gas for two more laps? Do I take the high line on the turn or stay on the apron. Do I pit for two tires… or all four? Your average Triple Crown jockey is making decisions, too. Do I whip this horse on the left butt cheek… or the right butt cheek?
Wake up, America! I’m gonna have to go with car racing this year. Now – you find me a horse that can smoke his horseshoes doing donuts on the track after he wins… and maybe we’ll talk. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.