Let me tell you what makes a dive restaurant

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna scrape off and eat anything that pops off the underside of a cafeteria table in the State Pen?

Yeah – I hate when some stuck-up, Yuppie yahoo misrepresents the redneck world.  There is a big difference between claiming you’re a redneck.  And being a redneck.

Obviously – I’m talking about Guy Ferrrari… that mouth-breathing, bristle-headed idiot on the Eating Channel. He’s got a show on there called ‘Diners, Drive-Ups and Dives.‘  Only problem is – I have never seen a dive restaurant on that show.  He seems to think if he can find a place where the chef has more tattoos than a circus freak and jewelry in his nose – that makes it a dive.  That don’t make it a dive restaurant.

And – you can’t put a show on there – and promise rednecks you’re gonna show them dives.  And then not show them dives.  That’s what you call your falsified advertising.

I remember once – he had a so-called dive restaurant on there… he said it was a remodeled gas station.  I have ate in restaurants – that were STILL gas stations.  Sometimes you’d be eating there – and they’d ask you to move your table closer to the wall – so they could get a car in for a brake-job.  I submit to you – that’s a dive restaurant.

So just to be accurate – here is how you can tell your eating establishment is a dive restaurant – and not some fancy-schmancy, poupon-sucking, snail-eating, hoity-toity five star eatery.

What makes a Dive Restaurant

Number one – do they got a big gravel lot out back for trucks?  That would be a dive.   Do they got a bottle of them little green chili peppers on the table?   That would be a dive restaurant.

Can you smell the restrooms – before you actually go IN the restrooms?  That’s a dive restaurant.  Do they like to joke about disease when you’re ordering?  Like if you ask – how’s the chili today?  And they go – ‘Well – nobody died from it yet this week.  That we know of….’  That’s a dive restaurant.  Your finer Yuppie establishments don’t kid about food poisoning.  Makes you wonder what they’re hiding.

Wake up, America!!!   And no matter what you order – even if you’re just having a cup of coffee… do they put that squeeze bottle of ketchup on the table.  Just in case.  That’s a dive restaurant.  And I’m Earl Pitts, American – Pitts Off.

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