Let me tell you what makes a dive restaurant
You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna scrape off and eat anything that pops off the underside of a cafeteria table in the State Pen?
Yeah – I hate when some stuck-up, Yuppie yahoo misrepresents the redneck world. There is a big difference between claiming you’re a redneck. And being a redneck.
Obviously – I’m talking about Guy Ferrrari… that mouth-breathing, bristle-headed idiot on the Eating Channel. He’s got a show on there called ‘Diners, Drive-Ups and Dives.‘ Only problem is – I have never seen a dive restaurant on that show. He seems to think if he can find a place where the chef has more tattoos than a circus freak and jewelry in his nose – that makes it a dive. That don’t make it a dive restaurant.
And – you can’t put a show on there – and promise rednecks you’re gonna show them dives. And then not show them dives. That’s what you call your falsified advertising.
I remember once – he had a so-called dive restaurant on there… he said it was a remodeled gas station. I have ate in restaurants – that were STILL gas stations. Sometimes you’d be eating there – and they’d ask you to move your table closer to the wall – so they could get a car in for a brake-job. I submit to you – that’s a dive restaurant.
So just to be accurate – here is how you can tell your eating establishment is a dive restaurant – and not some fancy-schmancy, poupon-sucking, snail-eating, hoity-toity five star eatery.
What makes a Dive Restaurant
Number one – do they got a big gravel lot out back for trucks? That would be a dive. Do they got a bottle of them little green chili peppers on the table? That would be a dive restaurant.
Can you smell the restrooms – before you actually go IN the restrooms? That’s a dive restaurant. Do they like to joke about disease when you’re ordering? Like if you ask – how’s the chili today? And they go – ‘Well – nobody died from it yet this week. That we know of….’ That’s a dive restaurant. Your finer Yuppie establishments don’t kid about food poisoning. Makes you wonder what they’re hiding.
Wake up, America!!! And no matter what you order – even if you’re just having a cup of coffee… do they put that squeeze bottle of ketchup on the table. Just in case. That’s a dive restaurant. And I’m Earl Pitts, American – Pitts Off.