You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna roller-skate nekked through a buffalo stampede?
Yeah – I heard this story the other day – they got a brand new Barbie Doll out there – an she’s got tattoos. Needless to say – Moms around the country are in a uproar. Yeah – the world is comin’ to a’ end. Them mama’s joined the group of enraged parents mad about the TV show The Playboy Club… joinin’ the group of folks that went ballistic over the Ground Zero mosque… joinin’ the group a’ dope-smokin’ hippie losers enraged about corporate greed. Who were of course, joinin’ them knuckle-draggin’ morons goin’ nuts about a guy dancin’ that used to be a girl.
Here’s my thinkin’… as a country – we need to take a giant step backwards… take a deep breath… an’ pull the giant wedgie out of our collective butts.
I mean – come on! Calm down. Take a chill pill. We got way too many people lookin’ for excuses to monkey-crazy nuts.
We need more people in this country like my cousin Eddie. We used to call him ‘Easy Ed’. That guy never complained… never got upset or enraged… never went nuts about nuthin’ in his whole life. I remember a couple years back – Eddie come to our house for Thanksgivin’. Half-ways through supper – Eddie stands up… throws his plate against the wall an’ yells… that turkey stinks!!!
I was kind of astonished – I says, ‘Eddie -you have never complained your whole life. You have never said one cross word… you have never argued- or fussed –about nothin’. You have always been the most agreeable, most easy to get along with person in this entire family… An’ now this… What the hell’s going on?
He goes, “Earl – have you tasted this turkey?’ He had a point.
Wake up, America! Step back… take a chill pill… an’ quit belly-achin’. Unless you’re comin’ to our house for Thanksgivin’ an’ my ol’ lady’s cookin’. Then, you might have a point. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.