You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna take my Swiffer Wet Jet and shove it down the throat of the next guy that calls me ‘whipped’?
Some bonehead, four-eyed pointdexter geeks somewhere did a study a while back. And they found out the number one sex turn-on for your women. What about a guy will drive a woman wild with desire. And I know what you’re thinking – it’s those rock-hard abs of steel. Nope. Or that flowing hair like that Fabio. Nope. Fancy car – no. A ton of money – no.
What really turns on your woman of today… is the sight of a man cleaning the house. Obviously – I am suspicious who did this research. Possibly – women.
First of all… if the sight of a man pushing a mop drove women up the wall with desire… how come your People magazine ‘sexist man alive’ is never a janitor?
So anyways – last weekend… I thought I would test out this deal – so I started helping my old lady clean. First thing I found out – housework foreplay is a lot tougher than it sounds.
First I started scrubble bubblin’ the bath tub… an’ my old lady was standing behind me… going, ‘Harder, Earl! Work in harder, Earl…!’ I was Toilet Duckin’ under the rim of the toilet bowl… and she was going, ‘Move it faster, Earl! Move it faster!!’
I was Windexin’ the picture window… and she’s behind me again. ‘Lower, Earl. Yes, lower… lower… oh, that’s the spot!!’ And then when I was cleaning the oven, she’s standing there… ‘Faster, Earl… faster, faster, faster… YES!!!’
I went to vacuum the rug and I couldn’t find her. She was out in the backyard smoking a cigarette. Apparently she got done cleaning before me.
Wake up, America. I wasn’t sure what just happened. But she begged me to clean out the garage tonight. I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.