You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna give a wet-willy to a wounded bull elephant?
Today – I’m calling out the flag-waving, red-blooded American patriots out there to solve a national crisis. We got to put aside our differences and come together to save our country.
People – I don’t know how to tell you this – but we got too much cheese. It’s true. We are stockpiling this food – like one time we stockpiled nuclear weapons.
What happened was, those knuckle-headed, doofus millennial hipster losers suddenly decided they don’t like American cheese. And then we got a trade war going on, where we can’t sell our very own to Canada and China. Although – for the life of me I don’t remember ever eating Chinese food that you put a slice of cheese on. But hey – I’m no expert on China. Or cheese.
Anyways – the farmers keep making cheese – we’re not selling it!
And now the government is stockpiling more of it. From what I understand, we have a strategic cheese reserve of 4-1/2 pounds of cheese for every man, woman and child in this country.
Okay – number one – don’t the government realize – that’s gonna draw mice? Yeah. One day you’re trying to save the American dairy farmer, and the next day, American looks like a scene from the old movie Willard. And if I remember the movie correctly – things did not end well.
And number two – why don’t they just lower the price. We’ll eat it. I like it. I wouldn’t mind seeing those goofy-grinning Sargento boys take one in the shorts for this country. Wouldn’t it be nice if only it was so cheap – Packers fans could put real, actual cheese on their heads? And instead of a blooming onion – everybody out at Outback ordered the fondue appetizer. And come on, Subway – one more little skimpy half-slice of it, please. Your country needs it.
Wake up, America! In a country as fat as we are… How can we have too much cheese?? That would be like Russia stockpiling vodka. It doesn’t make sense. I’m Earl Pitts, American Pitts Off!