Variety Ain’t the Spice of Life

By on November 21, 2013

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad… I just wanna  chew on tinfoil?

20593448_sYou know what I discovered the other day?  I discovered the older I get – the more I find out about myself.  You know what I mean?   When you’re a young man – you’re runnin’ an’ gunnin’…you ain’t got time for a lot a’ reflectin’.   None a’ that, what you call – you’re intro-inspection.

One a’ the things I found out about myself….here’s what I hate – variety.  I discovered this when I was tryin’ to buy potato chips.   You know they got enough different kinds of potato chips now…I would not rule out them comin’ out with a self-standin’ potato chip store.   8945422_lCause they’re up to somethin’ like two aisles of potato chips already.  I also discovered I must be the only person left on earth that prefers potato chip flavored potato chips.

Have you ever heard this – ‘variety is the spice a’ life’.   Well – no it ain’t.  Variety it turns out – is just there to entice us an’ confuse us.    Like me – I been married to the same woman near on to 30 years.   I been workin’ at the same job for over 20.  I been drivin’ the same truck for over 10 years….lived in the same house for 20.  Lived in the same town for my whole life.

Why on earth does somebody think I need 37 different flavors a’ potato chips???

I’m obviously set in my ways!

You turn on the TV….they got on there a ‘variety’ show.  That’s stupid.  If I want to watch singers….I’ll watch a singin’ show.  If I want to watch jugglers – I’ll watch a jugglin’ show.   You know, television already got a ‘variety’ a channels to watch.  Why do they have to take your decision…..an’ break up the one show you chose…  with more variety?    Lord – we’re travelin’ down the worm-hole here!!

butterballI’ll give you another one.  You’re pickin’ out your lunch meat…an’ they got a’ actual ‘variety’ pack a’ lunchmeat.   A couple slices a’ blow-knee….a couple slices a’ pimento loaf…..a couple slices a’ ham.   An’ you know what else they got?  A couple slices a’ somethin’ you’re gonna end up throwin’ away.  There ain’t a person alive that likes five different kinds a’ lunch meat equally.

Wake up, America.  Variety is not the spice a’ life.  Variety is the evil that will one day bring this country to its knees.   Mark my words.   I’m Earl Pitts, American… Pitts Off.

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