You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna eat a rabbit the same way I eat Easter candy? Ears first!!
Yeah – last night at our house, my old lady was showing me this card she got from her mama. It wasn’t her birthday or a holiday or nothing. Her mama just sent her a ‘thinking of you’ card with a letter written inside. And Pearl says, ‘Read that letter, Earl. Read what mama says about cousin Lester.’
Well – I’m staring at this thing – but I sure as hell can’t read it. So, I hand it back to her and I go… ‘You tell me what it says.’ And she smiles and goes, ‘Oh, because it’s cursive.’ She goes, ‘Nobody read cursive no more, Earl. They don’t even teach cursive in school no more. We are raising up a generation of idiots.’ And she stops short – ‘Present company expected.’
Well – it doesn’t look like no cursive to me. To me – her mama’s scratches look like a wounded mouse stepped in ink and then dragged itself across the inside of that card – while it was twitching. In fact – you know why they call it ‘cursive’?
Because when I try to read it – I start cursing.
I mean, I have seen pictures of the writing on the Dead Sea Scrolls that I would have a better chance of deciphering.
Her mama sends out a two-page Christmas letter every year. I still don’t have a dang clue what that mouth-breathing family has been up to. I always thought if my family got kidnapped by somebody who wrote the ransom note in cursive like her mama…well, I’d miss them.
Then I’d get that angry phone call. Why wasn’t that bag of money behind the dumpster? Well, I couldn’t… I didn’t… I-I-I was confused…
Now me – I like to write stuff like a regular, normal American. I write in stick-letters… every now and then they touch. Kind of curvy. It looks like they could join together and be cursive at any time. But they don’t. You know why? Because then I couldn’t read what I wrote!!
Wake up, America! So, I tell my old lady to read her mama’s card to me. But I say… ‘Do me one favor, though. Read it in French. I won’t get that, either. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!