You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna grab the combs out of the barber’s jar of blue water… and chug the water?
Yeah – I was down at the barber shop the other day… when Lloyd the barber says to me… he says, ‘Earl… do you know you been in this shop once a month for the last 30 years… an’ every time – it’s the same haircut.’ I go, ‘what’s wrong with that?’ An’ he goes… ’No, I ain’t complainin’. I appreciate it.’ He goes, ‘Sometimes I think I could cut your hair with my eyes closed.’ An’ I go – ‘Sometimes I get home… look in the mirror – and think you did!
Okay – here’s the thing with guy haircuts. For most of your hard-working, red-blooded, flag-waving regular American men… once we get a haircut that works – we don’t futz around with it. If it works – go with it. I mean – most men will agree with me. You find a haircut makes you look halfways civilized and two notches above stupid – stick with it. And that’s like one less thing in your life you got to worry about.
Now your fancy-pants, hoity-toity Yuppie boys – that’s another deal all together. These boys don’t even go to a barber shop – they go to a Salon. They get all sorts of things done to their hair- that ain’t natural. Most of you regular guys won’t believe this… but there are men out there that color their hair. They dye their hair. There’s only three times a man should ever color his hair. One – if he’s a circus freak and it’s part of the show. The only other times… if he’s on the run – from the FBI… or the Mob.
Then you got them boys who got that haircut where the hairs stand straight up. I can’t tell if that’s a style… or you seen a ghost. For the record – I do not like a haircut that looks like you could pop balloons on it. And for you freaks with the Mohawks – it’s important to point out the only people that did the Mohawk justice was Mr. T. And before that – the actual Mohawks. On you – it looks like you’re bald… with a hedge.
Wake up, America! I got a simple solution for you boys styling out there. You want your head to look different – buy a different cap. End of story. I’m Earl Pitts, American. And Pitts off.