The thing about “Guy” haircuts.

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna grab the combs out of the barber’s jar of blue water… and chug the water?

Yeah – I was down at the barber shop the other day… when Lloyd the barber says to me… he says, ‘Earl… do you know you been in this shop once a month for the last 30 years… an’ every time – it’s the same haircut.’  I go,  ‘what’s wrong with that?’  An’ he goes… ’No, I ain’t complainin’.  I appreciate it.’  He goes, ‘Sometimes I think I could cut your hair with my eyes closed.’  An’ I go – ‘Sometimes I get home… look in the mirror – and think you did!

Okay – here’s the thing with guy haircuts.  For most of your hard-working, red-blooded, flag-waving regular American men… once we get a haircut that works – we don’t futz around with it.  If it works – go with it.  I mean – most men will agree with me.  You find a haircut makes you look halfways civilized and two notches above stupid – stick with it.  And that’s like one less thing in your life you got to worry about.

Now your fancy-pants, hoity-toity Yuppie boys – that’s another deal all together.  These boys don’t even go to a barber shop – they go to a Salon.  They get all sorts of  things done to their hair- that ain’t natural.  Most of you regular guys won’t believe this… but there are men out there that color their hair.  They dye their hair.  There’s only three times a man should ever color his hair.  One – if he’s a circus freak and it’s part of the show.   The only other times… if he’s on the run – from the FBI… or the Mob.

Then you got them boys who got that haircut where the hairs stand straight up.  I can’t tell if that’s a style… or you seen a ghost.  For the record – I do not like a haircut that looks like you could pop balloons on it.  And for you freaks with the Mohawks – it’s important to point out the only people that did the Mohawk justice was Mr. T.    And before that – the actual Mohawks.   On you – it looks like you’re bald… with a hedge.

Wake up, America!  I got a simple solution for you boys styling out there.  You want your head to look different – buy a different cap.  End of story.  I’m Earl Pitts, American.  And Pitts off.

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