You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry I just wanna play spin the bottle – at the nursin’ home?
Yeah – me an’ my ol’ lady… we got into this thing… I like to call’em ‘redneck compliments’. You know what that is? That’s when you compliment somebody – by insulting them. I don’t know – maybe all long-time married people do this. Maybe you do it, too.
Like we was down at the Walmart last night… an’ there was this big ol’ dude walkin’ down the aisle – I swear he was possessed by the ghost of Haystacks Calhoun. My old lady looks at this guy… and she nudges me an’ goes… ‘You didn’t let yourself go that bad, Earl.’
Well – thank you Pearl – I think… So what is any respectable husband ‘sposed to do when he receives a lovin’ compliment like that? Of course, I had to compliment her back. So I looked around… an’ I go… ‘See that flat-chested girl over there. At least you got just enough to hold up your tube-top… sweetheart.’
Then later last night… she’s watchin’ Honey Boo-Boo… an’ ol’ Mama June did something that only makes sense to in-bred trailer trash. I watched it for a minute… shook my head an’ I go… ‘At least you’re not that stupid.’
She goes, ‘Where you goin’?’ I says, ‘I’m goin’ down to the Duck Inn and hang out. Me an’ the boys like to talk about the issues of the day.’ An’ she goes, ‘Yeah – in that group… you probably sound like Einstein.’
I go, ‘Pearl… darlin’ – you are the love of my life.’ She goes, ‘Thank you Earl.’
And I go… and my life sucks.
Wake up, America! And that, ladies and gentlemen – is the secret to a long an’ happy marriage. Compliment your old lady every day. I mean – really give it to her. I’m Earl Pitts, American… and Pitts Off.