You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna force the Chiquita Banana Lady to dance… on Monkey Island? Yeah – let’s see how far she gets with a head full of fruit.
Here’s another reason how come I love summer. It’s your chance to eat fresh fruit. I sincerely believe if you think back to the top ten happiest moments in your life… at least six of them will involve eating watermelon.
And while I am definitely NOT one a’ them holier-than-thou, stuck-up, food Nazis… fact is – fresh fruit is good for you. It don’t make you fat. It keeps the pipes clean. And it keeps your ticker happy.
That being said… I think that it’s important that we all realize- there’s guy fruit. And there’s woman fruit.
For a sample… a banana is a perfect man fruit. Of course – you don’t want to look your buddy in the eye when you’re eatin’ one. But bananas are guy fruit. Guy fruit would be bananas, apples, oranges… and watermelon. Simple – basic, God Bless America fruit.
Of course – us men will eat other fruit. As long as it’s baked in a pie. Blueberry pie, blackberry pie, cherry pie… lemon pie.
Now your woman fruit… tends to be in the melon family. Cantaloupes and honeydews. And they like them little freaky fruits… tangerines… tanger-ellos. Nectarines… necta-rellos. Plums… plum-erellos. You ever seen these things called ‘kiwis’? They look like cactus texticles. Woman love them things. They shouldn’t call them things ‘kiwis’. They should call them ‘desert oysters’.
Then of course you got your fruit enjoyed by men and women equally. Or what I like to call – your bisexual fruit. Peaches.
Wake up, America. Everybody loves peaches. Peach cobbler, peach pie, peach Danish. Peach on earth – goodwill toward men. That’s what I say. I’m Earl Pitts – a real peach of an American… and Pitts Off.