You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad – I just wanna break the NFL combine record for the 40 – by being chased by wolves?
Yeah, I think it is a well-known fact by now – that your helpless loser ding-bat millennials are on a mission to destroy American life as we know it. They don’t like American cheese – so let’s get rid of American cheese. Yeah, they don’t like to drive – so let’s start Uber. And they don’t like to shave – so let’s all look like lumberjacks drinking micro-brew alcoholic swill. I’m tired of these clueless hipsters.
And here is their latest target. These nut-job Hipsters are taking over hiking. That’s right. Yeah – they’re leaving their yoga studios… which is a little weird to begin with… and trekking through the woods. So, they’re popping out of their little stretchy rooms covered with un-rolled mats and putting on their $150 high-tech hiking boots and hitting the trails.
Mark my words – nothing good is gonna come from this.
Now here’s my thinking. The trails through the great American wilderness are where regular, flag-waving, hard-working Americans go – to get away from crazy-ass, Hipster millennials. On account of, if it’s a choice between running into mosquitoes, poison ivy or rabid raccoons or a 20-something, legal dope-smoking dip-wad in skinny-jeans named ‘Michael’ – we’ll take the woods every time.
And here’s what drives me nuttier than a pile of squirrel poop. I mean, I’m reading about this hipster hiking thing on my little boy’s computer – and do you know how come the millennials are making their move on hiking? Because they can post better selfies on their Insta-Snap Tweeter page. Yeah – they say a selfie from a yoga studio is pretty lame. But if you take a picture on a trail with a mountain or a grizzly bear behind you – you can get more likes.
Yeah – it ain’t about nature or the great American forest… or them purple mountains majesty. No sir. It’s about you – and your stupid pictures. You know – come to think about it – this does explain the growing number of people falling off mountains.
‘Lemme get your picture. Back up! Back up – back up… one more step” Ahhhhhh
Okay… not quite that far.’
Wake up, America! I swear to you – go to the trail-head this summer and you’ll still find the pit toilet along with a microbrewery… and a gaming station. Oh boy. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts off!