You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna lick a mouse?
Yeah – lemme ask you men out there a question. Are you allowed to spend your own money? I mean – you’re the one out there working your knuckles to the bone. Does that give you any say so in your household purchases? Because if it does – you are one lucky man.
See – what happened was – we were settin’ in the living room the other night when a commercial come on there for a new kind of wrench. Now – this is like one of them space shuttle – space odyssey future wrenches. This thing went both directions… and catty-corner. Automatically adjusted to US and Japanese sizes. Fit in the tiniest places you could think of. And it perked up my ears like a cat just heard something moving under the couch.
I says… ‘I need to buy me that wrench.’ Well – my old lady looks at me and rolls her eyes – and she goes, ‘Earl – you GOT wrenches.’ And I go, ‘But Pearl… this is the future of wrenching right there.’ She goes, ‘Earl…I bought you that wrench set two years ago for Christmas. You don’t need more wrenches.’ And I go – ‘Pearl – this is the wrench that replaces all the other wrenches I got!’ And she stares at me – like her eye-balls was boring a hole in my forehead… like I was being a bad-boy or something. And she goes, ‘You got wrenches.’
And I think a minutes and I go, ‘Pearl – you got shoes. You got Tupperware. You go Precious Moments figurines. Pearl, you got purses. You got pants. You got Avon products. You got every stupid book Oprah ever hawked on her show. You got lawn ornaments. You got American bird collector plates.
And she goes… ‘Get your stupid wrench and waste money…’ Well – thank you Mrs. Pitts. So this is my question, gentlemen. Does your old lady ever run her purchases by you? To which I believe 99.9% of men will say – no. Lord, they can piss away more money than Charlie Sheen at a strip club. But you slow down walking past the big screen TV’s… and she will probably yank your arm out of the socket pulling you away.
Wake up, America! Yeah – women will run through money like it grew on trees. Until YOU want something. Then it’s Ebeneezer Pearl you’re married to. I’m getting that wrench. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook and Pitts Off.