You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna hang baloney and cheese from each of my ears – and stick my head in a George Forman grill? Some freaking sexist samiches it is!
More proof the entire world has gone stupid. I come home last night… and my ol’ lady is tut-tutting and fretting. She says, “Earl you never told me you were keeping me a hostage of the 50’s” and I go, ‘Oh my goodness, woman… what nut-job libber did Megyn Kelly have on today?’ And Pearl goes… “no, she read this on my little boy’s computer”.
See – some high-falootin’ feminist somewheres innocently asks on Facebook, or Snapface or somewhere… for new samich ideas she can make her old man. And Pearl goes… ‘she got back a truck-load a’ hate, lemme tell you.’ Making your old man sexist samiches. Making samich makes your a 1950’s housewife. Your husband is keeping you as a slave.’
I says ‘Pearl don’t worry. These people are a bunch of triggered, self-righteous, bra-burning, pink-hat wearing trouble-makers. It ain’t me… making you… make me sexist samiches.
And she goes, ‘What the… ‘ And I go -‘No- it’s true. Think about it. Women is built for samich making. And that’s a little higher than my pay grade.’ And she goes, ‘What are you talking about?’
And I go – ‘Look at your hands. You know how come the Lord makes women’s hands so small and slender? So they can reach in and get the butter knife down to the bottom of the mayonnaise jar. Hey – I ain’t gettin’ the last of the Miracle Whip with these fat hams he gave me. And women are shorter… so they don’t got to duck down so far to find the baloney on the middle shelf.’
Women got smaller feet… so they can stand closer to the sink when they’re cleaning up. And remember that time we ran outta samich bags and you told me to use the Saran Wrap. I’d still be trying to unspool that roll today… but the Lord seen fit to give the woman fingernails… ‘
Wake up, America! So ladies – don’t get your panties in a wad. It is not sexist to make your old man a samich. Remember – the Lord might work in mysterious ways… but when it comes to samiches – he’s pretty straight forward. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.