You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear…while it’s still on the sow?
Yeah – I heard this story the other day…where some freaky evil scientist somewhere said…we are this close to transplanting human heads. He says science has been tinkering with transplanting dog and monkey heads for years…and they almost got it to where we can transplant heads on humans.
My first question is kind of obvious. Is he saying they’re switching dog heads…an’ they’re switching monkey heads? Or are they switching dog heads…with monkey heads? Because if you got a dog body with a monkey head…that would scare the be-jeebers outta me! Let’s all agree – that would be wrong.
Anyways – back to science here. He says in the future…we will be able to help people what’s paralyzed from the neck down….or people with diseases eating away at their bodies. That’s a beautiful wonderful thing and a great reason to do this research. But he forgot the most important benefit a’ transplanting human heads.
We could finally match up good-looking woman bodies…with good-looking woman heads.
I mean – you ever seen this…you’re walking behind some babe…and she’s got a million-dollar caboose. She’s got that slinky smooth walk and the hip action of a top end stripper. And then she turns around…and she’s got a face like Barney Fife with earrings?
I have been behind women like that at the Mall…and one time when one turned around – I actually choked on my soft pretzel. There is nothing sadder on this earth than a woman that’s got a body to die for….and a face you could die from.
And I ain’t being sexist…or creepy here, neither Think of all the women you know out there with cute faces…but they have let their bodies go to hell. Science is providing hope for these women. Just don’t think of it as a head transplant. Think of it as a full-body implant.
Wake up, America. Who knows – a hundred years from now…every woman on earth could look like Shania Twain. Of course, she would have stitches around her neck. But she could always wear a turtleneck. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.