You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna put on tin-foil underpants in a thunderstorm?
Man – we had a weird thing happen down at the Duck Inn over the weekend. You know – we’re setting there last Friday night – minding our own business… when this woman walks in there… she’s got tears streaming down her eyes. And she tells us, so goes…’Boys – I got bad news… Jimmy is dead.’ Dub goes…’Not Jimmy.’ She goes, ‘Yeah – he had a massive heart attack… on the toilet.’ And she goes…’And he always told me you boys down at the Duck Inn were like his family.’ She goes…’He was closer to you boys than anybody else. Would you all do Jimmy the honor of toting him to the hereafter…?’
Well – I wiped a tear with a bar-towel… and I says… ‘Ma’am…. it would be our honor… an’ our sacred duty to see our buddy to his final resting spot…’ She says, ‘The funeral is tomorrow….’ and walked out – sobbing even more.
Well – we just kind a’ stared at each other… in total silence. Nobody knew what to say. We wouldn’t have said nothing anyways… on account of then you’d a’ heard the emotion in our voices… an’ men don’t like to give that away. Finally Junior Meeker spoke up. ‘Who’s Jimmy?’ I go, ‘I don’t know… was that that guy that used to sit by the jukebox… an’ peal beer labels with his thumbnail? He goes, ‘I think that was Buddy…’
And I go – ‘Boys… whoever it is… we got to honor a fallen comrade.’ So the next day we all put on our monkey suits an’ go down to the Catholic church. Let me tell you something- those Catholics really know how to put somebody in the ground. It was a beautiful ceremony. Then me an’ the Meeker boys… and the Wilson brothers, and Pete… we all started toting ol’ Jimmy out of the church.
Wake up, America. An’ that – ladies an’ gentlemen… was when this story took a turn to the interesting. Come back tomorrow… an’ I’ll tell you what happened. Honest to God… I wouldn’t mind selling the movie rights to this one. Be back here tomorrow. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.