You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna break a mirror… over the head of a black cat… while walking under a ladder – just to see if I can change my luck?
I know this is gonna sound crazy. It’s gonna sound like I been sniffing glue and drinking bug juice all morning… but I believe Ryan Lochte and his merry band of Olympic vandals destroyed the toilet at the Duck Inn last night.
I know, I know… I have no idea what the hell they were doing there, neither. It might have been some kind of post-Olympics vandalism tour or something. But hear me out – I am not making this up.
We was down there last night – cuttin’ up and having a good time… when these four young fellas walked in there. They was slightly inebriated… so this was obviously not their first stop of the night. Well – my buddy, Dub Meeker is setting there nursing his second long-neck of the evening… and eying these guys with more than a modest amount of suspicion. He kept saying, ‘Earl… I’ve seen those guys before. I’ve seen them before.’
Well – eventually these boys leave – but first they hit the head. And when they’re gone – Dub Meeker shoots back there like a bullet… and he comes out – and announces Ryan Lochte just vandalized the toilet. And I go, ‘You’re nuts!’ And Dub goes – ‘Call the cops – it looks like a disaster back there.’
So anyways… against my better judgment… we got officer Eddie out there with his note-book. He’s back there a good 20-minutes surveying the scene of the crime. He comes out… and he goes… ‘Earl… your soap dispenser is crooked and hanging by one screw back there.’ And I go, ‘No – that’s been like that since Pete bought the place.’ And he goes… ‘Well, the toilet tank lid is cracked.’ And I go… ‘Naw – that’s been like that, too.’ And he says, ‘How about the bottom left quarter of the mirror is missing… and the handle of the hot water faucet is gone… ‘ And I go… ‘No – nothing’s out of the ordinary there…’ And he goes… ‘Your air-wick on the window sill was upside down.’ And I go – ‘Oh my goodness – it was Ryan Lochte!!
Wake up, America. It’s hard to tell if an Olympian has destroyed a redneck toilet. On account of – they don’t get vandalized in one night. They get destroyed over time. But I’m pretty sure it was him. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook – and Pitts Off.
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