Ryan Lochte destroyed the bathroom at the Duck Inn

You know what makes me sick?   You know what makes me so mad I just wanna break a mirror… over the head of a black cat… while walking under a ladder – just to see if I can change my luck?

I know this is gonna sound crazy. It’s gonna sound like I been sniffing glue and drinking bug juice all morning… but I believe Ryan Lochte and his merry band of Olympic vandals destroyed the toilet at the Duck Inn last night.

I know, I know… I have no idea what the hell they were doing there, neither.  It might have been some kind of post-Olympics vandalism tour or something.  But hear me out – I am not making this up.

We was down there last night – cuttin’ up and having a good time… when these four young fellas walked in there.  They was slightly inebriated… so this was obviously not their first stop of the night.  Well – my buddy, Dub Meeker is setting there nursing his second long-neck of the evening… and eying these guys with more than a modest amount of suspicion.  He kept saying, ‘Earl… I’ve seen those guys before.  I’ve seen them before.’

Well – eventually these boys leave – but first they hit the head.  And when they’re gone – Dub Meeker shoots back there like a bullet… and he comes out – and announces Ryan Lochte just vandalized the toilet.  And I go, ‘You’re nuts!’  And Dub goes – ‘Call the cops – it looks like a disaster back there.’

So anyways… against my better judgment… we got officer Eddie out there with his note-book.  He’s back there a good 20-minutes surveying the scene of the crime.  He comes out… and he goes… ‘Earl… your soap dispenser is crooked and hanging by one screw back there.’    And I go, ‘No – that’s been like that since Pete bought the place.’   And he goes… ‘Well, the toilet tank lid is cracked.’  And I go… ‘Naw – that’s been like that, too.’   And he says, ‘How about the bottom left quarter of the mirror is missing… and the handle of the hot water faucet is gone… ‘ And I go… ‘No – nothing’s out of the ordinary there…’    And he goes… ‘Your air-wick on the window sill was upside down.’   And I go – ‘Oh my goodness – it was Ryan Lochte!!

Wake up, America.  It’s hard to tell if an Olympian has destroyed a redneck toilet.  On account of – they don’t get vandalized in one night.  They get destroyed over time.   But I’m pretty sure it was him.  I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Like me on Facebook – and Pitts Off.

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