You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna strap sticks of dynamite to me work-boots – and tap dance?
Yeah – me and the boys was down at the Duck Inn last night, enjoying a few long-necks and regaling in our toxic masculinity – when ol’ Runt Wilson come in there – looking like the cat that just ate the golden mouse.
Hence, he sticks out his arm over the bar and goes, ‘Gentlemen… behold the Apple Watch.’ And sure enough, he’s got a dopey giant watch on his wrist. And Junior Meeker goes, ‘Yeah- I heard about these things. It’s like a Swiss Army watch – it does everything!!’
And Runt goes, You don’t know the half of it, son. This watch is a pro-active health monitor.’ He goes, ‘It keeps my heart rate, tracks my activity… why if I’m setting too long, this watch even has an alarm that tells me to stand up.’
And Dub Meeker goes, ‘What if you’re sitting on the toilet? That could be messy.’ And Runt says – ‘Ain’t happened yet. We’ll deal with that when it happens.’ And he goes, ‘You can use this watch for your emails. Talk on the telephone. You can stream music on this little thing…’
And Junior Meeker pipes up, and he goes.
‘What if you’re driving in your truck and that alarm goes off? Do you got to pull over and stand up? You can’t stand in your truck. That would be dumb.’ And Runt goes, ‘It ain’t happened yet. But you know what does happen – it’s got a walkie-talkie built in it – so you can be like Dick Tracy – talking to somebody on your wrist. And you can even keep notes and it keeps your schedule.
And I go, ‘What if you wore it to bed and that alarm went off in the middle of the night – would you have to get out of bed? Because I don’t like to stand up in the middle of the night.’
And then Runt gets up and turns to the door. And Dub Meeker goes, ‘Did your watch alarm just tell you to stand up?’ Runt says- ‘No – I gotta go…’
Wake up, America! And Junior goes… ‘I ain’t buying no expensive watch that tells me to stand up when I’ve been seating too long. I got a wife that does that – for free!!’ And I go, ‘Yeah – plus that toilet thing would scare the hell outta me. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!