You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna sucker punch a grizzly bear?
I heard this scientifical research watching T.V. the other day – an’ it’s good to find out – I ain’t alone. They said – now get this… in their most recent survey – 60% people say they get better sleep… when they’re in the bed – alone.
That’s right – they said in the old days… if you an’ your ol’ lady or ol’ man wadn’t in bed together… that meant you were fightin’ – an’ somebody got kicked out. But now – it turns out – you sleep better alone. It’s healthier. They said more people are sneakin’ outta bed… goin’ to another room….
I support this research 110%. Cause I have long said there is only one reason to have a woman in bed with you. And it is NOT to get a good night’s sleep.
Number one – women are like canaries in a coal mine when it comes to the emission of nocturnal gases. I can’t help it. When I lay down after a hard day on my feet – it rearranges my intestines in a way that more gas seeps out. That’s how come I call it ‘bedroom frackin‘. You got to go horizontal to discover whole new pockets a’ gas.
Generally speakin’… my ol’ lady will over-react. Now – I’m feelin’ better – cause I’m releasin’ pressure… an’ she’s over on her side of the bed, floppin’ around like that giant Indian when Jack Nicholson put that pillow over his face in Cuckoo’s Nest. I don’t need that. If you don’t like it – hit the other room, Pearl.
Then you got your snorin’. Lemme tell you somethin’ – layin’ next to Pearl Pitts at night… is like havin’ a house on the road into Sturgis, South Dakota – durin’ rally week. No – actually – that would be quieter. Her snorin’ – you don’t need another bed in another bedroom. You need another house… and I ain’t lyin’.
Then you got your excessive movement. I don’t want to cast aspersions on the woman I love… but I think last night she must’s a been dreamin’ she was River Dancin’… An’ she done at least three encores!!
Wake up, America. We’re gonna stick together… in the same bed… in the same room…on account a’ that’s the way real Americans do it. Probably also the reason how come most Americans are this close to snappin’. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.