You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna scrape diseased gum tissue out of a baboon’s mouth?
I walked into the Duck Inn last night… and Junior Meeker was already in there… three long-necks deep in mischief and mayhem. He gives me this big smile… ‘Hi, Earl…’ And he’s got those stupid trick teeth in his mouth…
I go, ‘Where did you get them things?’ And he goes, ‘There’s my Billy Bob teeth. I forgot I had them. I was cleaning out my tackle box… and they were in there.’
Okay – for just a second – let’s ignore the fact he put something in his mouth that has been in his tackle box for probably the last six years. We will deal with that issue – whenever Junior comes down with whatever he comes down with.
What I would like to talk to you about today… is redneck teeth. First off and most of all – Billy Bob teeth are not redneck teeth. I do not know a redneck that’s got teeth like that…say – under the age of 40. That’s actually hillbilly teeth.
Number one… redneck teeth don’t just rot out like bad lumber on a backyard deck. If you see a redneck missing teeth – it was not due to poor dental care. It could’a been a fight… a stupid beer bottle opening challenge… or a sports accident. We are smart enough to brush our teeth.
And rednecks go to the dentist. I mean – right now you could pull enough metal out of my mouth to pound out our a complete set of silverware for the Osmonds. Who have nice teeth, by the way.
Now – I will admit this. Your redneck don’t have shining white pearly teeth. No sir. You drink two pots of coffee a day…smoke two packs of cigarettes… puff on one or two stogies… it don’t so much stain your teeth – as lay down a nice brown laquer. I don’t know if I need Crest White Strips… or maybe something from Homer Formby…
Wake Up, America!!! Yeah – I have caused more than one dental hygienist to quit the business. The last girl works at the hardware store now. She said it just wasn’t worth it. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook. And Pitts Off.