Redneck Astronaut… I’m the man for the job
You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go back in time on TV Land and show up on Lost in Space… so I can karate chop Dr. Smith… until he shuts the hell up!!
Yeah – I got sad news today. I might have to stop doing this daily commentary. I know… I know …but after I don’t know how many years… a new opportunity has maybe opened up for me. I seen where NASA is gonna be looking for some new astronauts.
Yeah – they said they are gonna be putting out the help wanted sign next month. They’re getting ready to start sending our own rockets up again. They’re going to Mars. And they need some new hires. Of course they don’t tell you – the last guy they hired… they accidentally left on Mars. But anybody can make a mistake.
See – what me and the Meeker boys was thinking… we go down to Cape Canaveral, – – and they hire us on as a team. That’s right – Rednecks in Space… I wanna be a Redneck Astronaut.
And I don’t think it’s gonna take us years and years of training, neither. No sir. Give us a couple months to master the intricacies of doing a #2 in zero gravity – and we’ll figure everything else out once we get up there.
First off – the International Space Station – that sucker is getting old… and rickety. Every time they do a story about them astronauts up there… they’re fixing something. They got an ammonia leak… or they got a reflector shield all catty-wampus. Some astronaut is always putting his life in jeopardy to fix something. Well – dang it man – fixing stuff is what rednecks is born to do. Obviously a job for a Redneck Astronaut. Give us a couple wrenches… a couple lengths of hose… Duct Tape, we’ll probably build you a patio on that space station.
Number two – they want to send astronauts to Mars – it’s a one way trip. You go up there – you ain’t coming back. You got to leave your loved ones. You got to leave your family. You got leave this planet knowing you’ll never be back… you’ll never breathe the fresh air… taste the sweet water… and feel the warmth of the spring sun. Last night at the Duck Inn… we did a show a’ hands. We’re all good with that.
Wake up, America!!! Number three… if there is aliens up there in outer space… who do you think would be best to go up there and shoot’em. It seems so obvious, don’t it? I’m Earl Pitts, American. Buy my book, Man Rules. Pitts Off.