You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna pucker up and kiss a sponge full of lighter fluid – with my split-open chapped lips? Real men.
Yeah – I got some bad news to report today from the battlefield. That being the battle us men fight every day to stay real men. It seems the enemy has advanced in their efforts to wussify the once manly American male.
I only bring this up to warn other real men before you get blind-sided and Oprah-fied. See me an’ the boys was down at the Duck Inn last night… knocking back longnecks, cutting up an’ having a good time… like real men do.
The Duck Inn lost all it’s Real Men… except me.
And then – all of a sudden… out of the corner of my eye – I see Junior Meeker pull something out of his pocket… and rub it across his mouth. My first thinking is – this old boy is putting on lipstick! He’s getting ready to kiss someone!! I says,’Junior… if you need to touch up your face – there’s a mirror in the bathroom. Yeah – in the woman’s bathroom!’ Real men.
Well – he’s a little embarrassed on account of he got caught. He holds up this little stick an’ goes, ‘Lip balm, Earl…’ He goes, ‘I don’t want my lips looking all gnarly an’ painful like yours.’
Well – I set down my beer and give him that manly grin. You know that grin – where your lip can split clean open and a little blood trickles out. And I go – ‘I take winter like a man, Suzy Chapstick’.
I go… ’My elbows right now… you could use’em to sand down cinder blocks. Dry hang-nails… I rip’em off with my teeth. My lips look like they belong to a zombie. And boys… on account of I am the last manly man on earth – I am proud of it.
Then Dub Meeker pulls this stuff out of his coat… he goes, “Earl try some of my Valvoline Intensive Care lotion on your elbows…works like a charm. And Runt goes, ‘Here’s some moisturizer for your hands, Earl…’
Yeah – being the last of the real men on earth – is a lonely thing to be.
Wake up, America!!! Folks – I never used moisturizer before… in a sentence – much less on my body. And this old dog ain’t about to learn a new trick now. Besides – I tried lip balm once… it was like kissing a wax cow’s butt. I’m Earl Pitts, American – Pitts Off.