You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go down to the Boy’s and Girl’s club… and punch orphans?
Yeah – no real man wants to stand in no stupid line. End of story. See, my old lady and the neighbor-lady, Naomi is already talkin’ about what discount store they want to stand in line for on Thanksgiving night. And my little boy, Earl Jr. and a couple a’ his pimple-faced idiot buddies say they’re gonna stand in line at the video game store for some dimwit new video game they got coming out. Caught standing in line
That’s when I decided to come up with a list of things I WILL NOT stand in line for. And it’s a pretty big list. I will not stand in line for a stupid new phone… a stupid new movie… a stupid sale… some stupid government hand-out… to see some stupid banshee screamin’ idiot singer and her stupid loser band. Why? Because that’s stupid. Caught standing in line
I will not stand in line to be the first to buy anything… see anything… or go anywhere. And I sure as hell ain’t gonna stand in line for a chance to see some high-horse political pant-load… and shake his hand. I will not stand in line to take a leak – if the line is outside and there is a tree, an alley or a parked car nearby. Caught standing in line
People ask me all the time – ‘Earl, how come you don’t fly.’ Number one – because there’s no place I want to go. Number two – I don’t want to stand in line. I don’t want to stand in line at the bank… at the grocery store… and especially not at the DMV. I know guys still in line at the DMV – that got in the line – back in May!! I’d rather pay the fine and court fees. And possibly a small amount of jail time.
In fact – I hate lines so much… if the Good Lord pulled my number right now… and there was a line at the Pearly Gates… I might think twice. Of course the way this world’s going… I’m thinking the line down below – is a lot longer. So, then again – I might think twice – about thinking twice. Caught standing in line
Wake Up, America!!! Obviously you gotta be thinking… ’Is there anything you WOULD stand in line for, Earl? The only thing I can think of involves Shania Twain and a water trough full of Cool Whip. So I might as well just answer no. Because there’d be a real long line for that. I’m Earl Pitts, America. Check out my YouTube channel Earl Pitts – by Earl Pitts. And Pitts Off.