Real Americans Eating with Chopsticks

By on November 19, 2013

9630593_sYou know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get into a face spittin’ contest…with a deadly cobra?

I got to enjoy one of life’s little puzzles an’ mysteries last night.  I got to try to eat with chopsticks.

Now to me…eatin’ with chopsticks is like tryin’ to do one a’ them Sudoku puzzles.  A lot of other people seem to be enjoyin’ them….I don’t know how to get started.

Yeah – my ol’ lady an’ Dub Meeker’s old lady, Carlene…they wanted to go out last night….they wanted to go Chinese.  Now – I don’t mind eatin’ Chinese….cause them people give you a mess a’ food.  An’ man, that stuff tastes good, too.  It’s just incredibly labor-intensive tryin’ to eat it.

19970334_sFirst off – they give you chopsticks, right?   An’ then they give you a bowl of soup.  Now – the soup I got looked like yellow water….with a razor-thin slice of radish floatin’ in it…and what was either one flat noodle…or a piece of paper that had fallen in it.

And mind you – I have chopsticks to eat this.

The Chinese are clever, inventive an’ industrious people.  But they can’t be that good.  Because they apparently never thought to invent a spoon.  Yeah – that one just went right over their collective Chinese heads.

Then- they bring you out this plate…it’s got a mountain of food on it.  It is the most colorful…most delicious smellin’ food ever put in front of me.  An’ I got chopsticks to eat it.

That ain’t no meal….that’s some kind’a freakish game-show challenge.

3267195_sNow – in case y’all never ate Chinese….here’s the deal.  Everything them people cook – comes in rice.  Rice is very, very tiny.  So you got to eat something very, very tiny….with chopsticks.  Yeah – good luck.  That’s a little like puttin’ in your contact lenses – wearin’ boxin’ gloves.   You can get them close to your face….but that’s about it.

Wake up, America.   You know that old joke…when you eat Chinese….you’re hungry an’ hour later.  That’s cause you’re eatin’ with chopsticks.  An’ more got on the floor…than in your gut.   Lord – we stopped at McDonalds on the way home.  I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Pitts Off.

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