You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna squeeze blackheads off a homeless dude’s nose? Yes – and after this commentary – I will apologize for that disturbing visual.
But I got a even more disturbing mental picture for you right now. Think about this – my old lady come home from the K-Mart last night… and says to me she wants to model her new pants for me. So she comes out of the bedroom wearing a pair a jeans. And she gives me a couple of Miss America spins in the living room.
She goes, ‘What do you think, Earl?’ And I go, ‘Well – they’re jeans.’ And she goes, ‘Earl – look at my butt.’ And I go… ‘Okaaaay….’
She turns on me in a heartbeat. Like she just caught me trying to kill her or something. She goes, ‘They’re push-em up jeans, Earl…!!’ And I go, ‘What are they pushing up…?’ And she goes, ‘They are designed to lift your butt and make you look ten years younger…’
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I am married to a middle-aged woman that wants a Kim Kardashian butt.
Okay – I ain’t no fashion expert – but for you more mature women… you don’t need no under-wire jeans to make you look ten years younger. You need pants to make you look twenty pounds lighter. And my old lady is the perfect example. Like when we first got married – she had what I would describe as a tear-drop butt. Now every time she turns around – it looks like she’s smuggling watermelons out of the farmer’s market. Ain’t no push up jeans fixin’ that.
Plus – when a nubile young lady paints on a pair of skin-tight jeans – she might have that thong peeking out of the top…what I would call – ‘a delightful display’. My old lady squeezed into push up jeans… and got a granny panty muffin-top. Not nearly the same effect.
Yeah – gravity… and cake… have not been kind to her.
Wake up, America! Ladies – I hate to say this – but until NASA merges with Wrangler… the technology does not exist to give you a Beyonce backside. We appreciate the effort – but push up jeans just ain’t happening. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.