You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna fight a honey badger over a dead mouse? Can you guess why? Because I don’t give a crap neither!!
Here’s the dumbest thing in American politics yet. Everybody is fighting over Donald Trump’s first 100 days. What’s he gonna do in his first hundred days? Can the Democrats stop him in his first hundred days?
Don’t you think it’s a little stupid that you run for this job for two years. You win it – you get four years. And everybody judges you on the first 100 days. Hell – if I moved into the White House – it might take me two or three days to figure out where the toilet was. I hope that wouldn’t count against my first hundred days.
So I know a lot of you are thinking – ‘Well, Earl… what would you do in your first 100 days in the White House.’ And I honestly say that knowing NONE of you were probably thinking that – but I’m trying to set up a commentary here – so just go with me. Earl Pitts’ first 100 days in the White House. First off – I have heard they have a fully-functional regulation-size bowling alley in the basement there. So for at least the first week to ten days… I am free bowling until my thumb falls off.
Then… due to a poorly scheduled inauguration date… that butts us right up against the Super Bowl. So me and the First Old Lady would probably be planning our White House Super Bowl party. If we was smart – we’d probably invite the Queen of England and turn it into a State Super Bowl Party… so y’all could pay for it.
And that would take us up to the Daytona 500 – where yours truly would be singing the National Anthem… and saying, ‘Gentlemen – start your engines.’ I’ve always wanted to say that. And if you’re President – who would stop you?
I believe between the Super Bowl and the Daytona 500 – I’m gonna have at least a week to a week and a half to save the country and make a special guest appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. So I realize there is work involved. The trick is – making sure it’s not too much.
Wake up, America! I figure if you don’t like the job I’m doing in the White House – you got four years… and you can kick me out. But you know what – those four years would be epic. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.