You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play ‘hot potato’ with molten lava?
Yeah – have you ever heard the phrase ‘there’s a sucker born every minute.’? You know where that phrase came from? I just found out. The doctor wrote it on my wife’s birth certificate.
Listen to this one. She tells me the other day… she goes, her and me are gonna have a big send off dinner for 2014. On account of – we’re happy to see it go. She says I’m gonna go out in the cold and fire up the grill… and grill up the two biggest steaks twelve dollars can buy.
And I go… how come you ain’t out there? And she goes… I’m gonna give her the heads up when them steaks are five minutes away from done – and she’s gonna throw two potatoes in her new perfect potato sock… slide them suckers in the microwave… and we will have perfect, flurry, mouth-watering baked potatoes… with them steaks.
Now – to me… this sounds like a good way to say adios to a bad year. So I go out there and fire up the grill. I get them steaks just this side of perfect – and I throw her the high sign. Walk in the door with steaming steaks on a plate – she pops the door on the microwave… and says the potatoes are still a little hard. She gives’em another two minutes.
Two minutes later… hard as rocks. Gives’em another three minutes. They feel hard than when she put them in there. Finally she gives them ten minutes… then five more minutes. And then… finally we dug into them steaks…with potato chips on the side. Throw a potato in the microwave… it takes 8 minutes. With the new perfect potato sock – it takes 2 ½ hours!!! I’m not sure that’s a good deal.
I says – Pearl – you know where that perfect potato sock is going, don’t you? Your drawer of misfit gadgets…next to your Eggies… your Juicer Bullet and the belt that shocks you into losing weight. It should have dawned on her when she bought that belt – the only way electricity was gonna help her lose weight… was if we put an electric fence around the Oreos.