You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get into an evil death-staring contest with Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick – until one of our heads explode?
Yeah – me and my old lady and my little boy, Earl Jr. were in her car last night – heading to the buffet. And me and EJ was talking about football. EJ says, “Daddy – right now I don’t care who wins the Super Bowl – as long as it ain’t the Patriots.’ He says, ‘I hate the Patriots football team.’
Well – his mama turned in her car seat like she was setting on a ‘sit n’ spin’. She goes, ‘EJ, you don’t say ‘hate’. You don’t hate nobody. Hate is such a terrible word.’
I chime in there. I go, ‘But baby… he’s talking about the Patriots.’ She says she don’t care. The Pitts’ won’t get to heaven hating on other people.
So, I think a minute.
I go, ‘EJ, why don’t you just say you despise, detest the Patriots and find them repugnant.’ And my old lady goes, ‘Earl!’ And I go, ‘Naw, naw, naw… I’m softening the boy’s stance. For example, EJ, say you ‘loath’ the Patriots. That’s a fun word – on account of most people will think you said, ‘loaf’… and they’ll wonder what bread has to do with football.’ But you’ll know.
‘Or you could say Bill Belichick and Tom Brady repulse you. Bill Belichick has the beady-eyed stare of a serial killer – and the fashion sense of a vagrant. And Tom Brady has one season left in his multi-year deal with the devil.’ You could say every time the TV cuts to that owner guy in the private box – your skin crawls. And the only reason the Patriots football team have been successful… is because they cheat. They deflate footballs. And Belichick has more spies in the opponents’ locker rooms – than Russia has in the White House.’
‘Here you go, EJ. You could call the Patriots’ success an abomination that repels honest people everywhere. And here’s another one – just say you feel ‘animus’ when discussing the Patriots football team. Again – because most people will think you just said something about the ‘butt’.
So I look at Pearl and I go… ’Is that better, honey?’ And she goes, ‘I hate you, Earl.’ Uh uh uh…
Wake up, America! And to correct my lovely wife – I do not believe the Lord will keep you out of heaven for saying you hate the Patriots. Everybody knows he’s a Saints fan. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.