You Can’t Look Manly in a Paper Gown
You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play ‘got you nose’ with a wounded badger? If you’re ever given a choice – take the paper gown.
Yeah – I’m gonna tell you a funny story today. But it’s a funny story that comes with a serious warning.
See – I went to the old saw-bones… for check up physical. And, the nurse takes me in this little examinating room. Two chairs, a box of rubber gloves and a high bench with butcher paper on it. Afterwards, that old girl takes my blood pressure and asks how come I’m in there. I tell her it’s a physical… and she says… ‘Well – then you’re gonna have to strip down. Do you want a paper gown – or can you set there in your skivvies?’
Well – I didn’t give it half a thought. I says -‘I ain’t no cry-baby, wilting flower mama’s boys – that’s for dang sure. Besides, I don’t need no stupid gown.’ So she goes – the doctor will be with you in a couple a’ minutes, Earl. Finally, she walks out the door.
What are they thinking?
I take my pants off… rip off my T-shirt. And I am steaming. What do they think? I’m some kind of little shy boy. I’m a manly man. I don’t need no paper gown!! I was so insulted. For at least the first thirty seconds.
Furthermore, my brain started playing games with me. It dawned on me – I was setting there naked… in a strange room… in a strange building. It was not my usual afternoon.
Two minutes into it, I realized there’s no way to set in your underpants in a strange room and look manly. I tried crossing my legs. That was weird. Hunched over with my elbows on my knees. That looked like I was on the toilet. Leaned back on my chair with my legs out. That seemed to be highlighting my nether region. That could be mis-con-screwed .
This goes on for like fifteen minutes. Moreover, it’s like I’m a chub of naked baloney they put in the cooler. Really, like nobody’s coming in. And I’m getting next to naked desperate. And then this thought come in my head. Did she actually tell me to get naked? Or was it a hypothetical. Then, what if the doctor come in there… and I don’t got no pants on. And she wasn’t expecting that.
Wake up, America! Being naked plays with your mind. Really, I don’t know how people do it. So take it from me – if they give you a choice – take the paper gown. Subscribe to my radio bits! I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.