Overly Inspirational People

You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get Tony Robbins hooked on candy to see if his teeth will rot out? Yeah – inspire us now, Tony the Hillbilly!!

Here’s what I hate. Overly inspirational people. You know the people I’m talking about. Beat the odds. Champions over adversity. People take a gut check and don’t let negativity stop them from achieving their dreams.

Man, those people wear me down.

Like I watched that Titans show on the TV. The finest physical specimens America has to offer, in an all-out competition of impossible challenges. Oh, except this one girl… is missing a lung. And some dude is missing a leg. Another guy had a brain-transplant at the age of three. Overcoming odds – that’s what this is about.

And they always ask these freaks of fortitude… why do you do this? They’re always doing it for their little kids. Or their mama in the coma… or other people born without noses. You can do anything you put your mind to. If you got the heart – you can do anything. Nothing can stop you if you don’t stop yourself. You got to go deep inside your soul – and prove to the world – you are a Titan. You can do anything!

Okay. To all the inspirational people out there– let me see you fly. Let me see you juggle – mini-vans. Can you see through brick walls?

Fact is – you can’t actually do anything you put your mind to. If that was possible – we’d all be Avengers. And remember – if everybody had superpowers – nobody would have superpowers. Whoa – that was deep.

I told my old lady if I was on that show – and they asked me how come I was there – I’d tell the truth. The prize money. And then I’d accidentally drop that sledgehammer on my foot, and be out in round one.

Wake up, America! Pearl says she doesn’t watch to be inspired. She watches for the Rock. And she says that inspires a whole different feeling inside her. I have no idea what she’s talking about. I’m Earl Pitts, American, Pitts Off!!

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