You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna load up our preacher’s baptizing tub with shiners… and run a church bait shop on weekdays?
Let me just say – my dear, sweet wife – Pearl Pitts – has got to get her act together and figure this thing out. Does she want me to take her and the kids to church or not?
You know – every Sunday she drags my carcass out of bed and says I got to take her and them kids to service. And then every Sunday afternoon – we’re driving home – and she’s complaining about what I did in church. She’s telling me how the ladies in Bible Study were whispering. And how the preacher looked at us three times during the sermon and rolled his eyes.
Fact is – last night – my old lady come up with her own Ten Commandments. She said these were my personal Ten Commandments for not embarrassing her in church. Ten Commandments
Number one – thou shalt not dip tobacco – and walk over an spit out the window.
Number two – when the preacher is talking about the evils of drink and sex outside of marriage – thou shalt not speculate who he might be talking about – out loud. Ten Commandments
Number three – during communion – thou shalt not grab a couple extra pieces for later – in case you get hungry.
Number four – thou shalt not stare at the preacher’s wife’s cleavage. Even though she has obviously been blessed.
Number five – it’s called baptizing a group of teenage girls. Thou shalt not liken it to a wet T-shirt contest.
Number six – thou shalt not fart in church. At least, out loud.
Number seven – When greeting the preacher after services – thou shalt not begin by saying, ‘It’s just me and you and a bunch of sinners, huh Rev?’ Ten Commandments
Number eight – when they’re passing around the wine – thou shalt not yell – ‘Last call for alcohol!’
Number nine – when the preacher calls for sinners to come forward – thou shalt not stand up and point out who you think needs saving.
And… Number ten – never, ever take the Lord’s name in vain. Especially in church – when you hit your knee on the pew.
Wake Up, America!!! I guess what really embarrassed my old lady was when the preacher visited our house last night – and asked if I had ever considered another faith. Yeah – I was de-vangelized. I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.