You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna rub hot sauce on Terry Bradshaw’s head… and watch his face heat up?
Yeah – we done a very interesting experiment this weekend. You know what we done – I got the boys together down at the Duck Inn – and we didn’t watch professional football.
I didn’t tell them at first… I just told’em all to get down to the Duck Inn about noon. They all run down there like white trash on government cheese day. I’ll tell you what – they didn’t know what was going on… but they were excited. And then I slapped the particulars on them. I says, ‘Boys… we are gonna sit here all afternoon – and we are not gonna watch professional football…’
And Dub starts to whinin’… he goes, ‘Earl… I don’t want to get into any of that crud.’He goes, ‘I just want to ignore all that sideline stuff and watch professional football.’
And I said… ‘Dubster… let me address your ignorance on the issues with one word. America!!’ What if we just ignored the Nazis in World War II. What if we just ‘ignored’ Communism. He says, ‘Earl – this is football. ‘And I go, ‘Yeah – maybe today.’
And Junior goes… ‘How come we got to not watch it together? Why can’t we all set at home and not watch it by ourselves?’ And I go, ‘Because y’all are weak – and I don’t trust you.’
And Dub goes… ‘Can we have it on… and just not pay attention to it?’ And I go, ‘No – it actually has to be off – or it don’t count. ‘Runt Wilson goes, ‘Can we listen to it on the radio?’ I begun to understand how tough protest organizers have it.
So we go inside… and I buy the first round of long-necks to take the sting out of the football-less air. And Dub Meeker goes, ‘What do you think they’re doing right now?’ And Junior goes… ‘I bet Terry and Howie are arguing over their picks for the week… ‘And they all get that look in their eyes like… ‘Yeahhhhhh’.
Wake up, America! Amazingly – over the next half hour – every single man in that room remembered they had to go home and do something for their old ladies. That’s the beautiful thing about not watching professional football – you got time to do chores. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.