You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna see if I can break a baseball bat… across my forehead?
Man – I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I woke up… and I was laying on a wood plank… in a rundown little wooden shack in the middle of a jungle. And I had these chains on my legs… and I was chained to all these other guys laying on these other wood planks. And I said… ‘where am I?’
And some old grizzly looking guy next to me… he props up on one elbow and he says… ‘Well, what’s the last thing you remember, son…?’
I says… ‘I remember doing a commentary about Bruce Jenner…’ And he goes, ‘Yep – that’s your problem. He is now a woman. His name is now Caitlyn Jenner’ And I go, ‘So why am I here?’ He goes, ‘You are at re-education camp.’
So I go… ‘Why are you here?’ And he goes, ‘You know all those Muslim terrorists killing people? I called them ‘Muslim terrorists.’ And I go – ‘What are you, nuts???’
And he goes, ‘See Billy over there? Redskins fan.’ And he goes, ‘Jim-Bob over there posted on his Facebook page he didn’t think he’d bake a gay couple a wedding cake – if he was a baker.’ And I go, ‘But he’s not a baker?’ And he goes, ‘No – but gay people couldn’t take the chance he might go into it.’
And he runs down the whole shack full of guys. Royce had the nerve to mention he supported the second amendment. Junior accidentally wished somebody ‘Merry Christmas’ in a public school. Boy – he wished he could take that back.
Woodrow over in the corner – accidentally referred to an illegal alien… as an illegal alien. I says, ‘Wow – I’m not sure – but I think they prefer the word ‘Mexicans’ He says – exactly.
I shook my head… and I said – you know what we need to do? We need to plot an escape. We need to figure out a way to get out of here… find the coast… find a boat… and get back to America.
And the old guy kinda chuckled… and he goes, ‘I don’t know how long you were out son… but there is no America anymore…’