You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna practice tying rattlesnakes into knots?
Yeah – me an’ the Meeker boys done something funny last weekend. Junior was telling us his old lady found a new restaurant downtown. And he says from what she was saying… we ought to go try it out.
Dub Meeker goes… what’s the big deal about that? And Junior goes… ‘get this… the place is run by women… and they put their menu on a giant black-board with colored chalk. ‘Well – you know what that means, right? This place is either run by health food nuts – or lesbitarians.
So we go to this place. And I’ll tell you right now – it ain’t your Denny’s. We grab a table… and pretty soon this woman come up to us… got that Bob Marley hair-do and a nose-ring. And she goes, ‘Hello gentlemen… would you like to know what our specials are today.’ And Dub goes, ‘Sister, we’re always hungry.’
And she goes… ‘Well, we got two menus – we have a low-sodium, gluten-free organic menu with no trans-fat – featuring free-range chicken raised with no antibiotics or steroids. Our beef cattle lead a carefree life eating flowers in a mountain meadow and then softly lulled to sleep by a Swiss yodeler… before being humanely slaughtered
We also have a vegan menu featuring unprocessed, conflict-free whole grains, and community-supported and nutrient-dense fruits and vegetables from sustainable farming practices certified non-GMO. Then we’re also featuring fair-trade coffee served with almond or soy milk and served by a barista making a living wage.
We all looked at each other… and Dub whispers under his breath to me… Earl – I think you’re right. They’re lesbitarians.’
Wake up, America. Junior goes, ‘I hope you don’t use MSG – I’m allergic to MSG.’ And the girl scrunches up her face and goes – ‘Dang It! We missed one.’ Yeah – we couldn’t eat at this new restaurant – it was unhealthy. I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.