You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna chew on a fine selection of orange ‘stenstion cords… until I find the one that’s plugged in?
Something happened down at the Duck Inn last night… and well – let’s just call this a cautionary tale we can all learn from.
We were setting there… draining long-necks an’ watching the big screen… when some old boy walks in there madder than a wet hen. He punches Junior Meeker in the arm – and he goes, ‘Junior… you told me how to fix my furnace and I dang near blew up my house!’ He goes… ‘I done everything you said… and I could’a blow’d up my entire family… you idiot!!’ And he marches right back out, cussing to beat the band.
Me and Dub look at Junior… and I go… ‘Junior, you don’t know nothing about furnaces. You ain’t no Dave Lennox, son…’ And Junior kind of shrugs and goes… ‘How tough could it be…?’
And here’s the lesson, ladies and gentlemen. Never take fixin’ advice from a redneck. Because ‘I don’t know’ – is not in the redneck vocabulary. We will tell you how to do something… even if we don’t know how to do it.
We will give you five minutes of detailed instructions on how to get your car running… when we don’t even know why it won’t. We will give you detailed directions how to get someplace… we never been. We will crack open the back of your cell phone an’ start pulling little pieces out… that we ain’t got a clue how to get back in there.
Hey – you want proof? Just go to a redneck’s house. He’s got two cars in the yard that don’t run… a little TV on top of the big TV that don’t work. A washer that don’t got a spin cycle… The only thing in his house running… is the toilet. But for you – he’s the helpful hardware man.
Wake up, America! The only stuff in a redneck house that does work… is probably McGyver’ed together with duct-tape and bread-bag twist ties. You might think you know a guy who knows how to fix stuff. But chances are – you don’t. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.