You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad look up my old lady’s family tree… an’ cut off a couple branches.
This week – the Pitts house has been doubling as a refugee camp. Yeah – my old lady’s sister, Ruby, has took up residence in our living room… on account of her and her old man is fighting.
I don’t even know what they’re fighting about. I don’t wanna know. But I’ll tell you this… after spending a week and a half with this broad… I am on Jimbo’s side.
That all being said… last night… the worst thing ever on earth happened in my house. The most terrible, tragical and awful thing happened. Lord, if I could cut my life short three years to take back the last 24-hours… I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat.
I seen my sister in law… nekkid.
People… if I could shove a hot fire-place poker in my ear-hole right now an’ scramble up my brains… I’d do it. Because once you see some things – you can’t unsee’em.
What happened was this. I get up at two in the morning to take a leak… I stumble in the bathroom barely awake. And there she is– my sister-in-law – buck nekkid layin’ in the tub crying… an’ sucking on a longneck.
For that split second there… you gotta move like a nuclear bomb just went off. You gotta close your eyes… cover your eyes… and turn your head all at the same time… or risk having your eyeballs burned outta their sockets.
I whip around like I’m on a spring and bolt out the door. Which… I misjudged on account of my eyeballs is sealed shut. I whack my head on the door ad’ fall to my knees like I just got beat with a ball-bat. Ruby bolts outta the tub…cause she thinks I just kilt myself. Hell, I dropped to the floor like a shot elephant.
I come to – I’m seeing stars… AND… Ruby… she’s standing over me dripping wet an’ nekkid. In-law hooters dancing in front of my eyes. And my old lady walks in to see what’s the noise all about…
Wake up, America. Yeah – Ruby’s moving out this morning. I don’t know if she’s going home… but Pearl says she can’t be staying at our house no more. My only question is now… did I marry the wrong sister? I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.