You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get into a vine-swinging contest… with Cheetah?
Yeah – today I want to review the Planet of the Apes movie. Now – that is not generally what I do. But this movie being about monkeys… and my all-time favorite thing on earth being… monkeys. It does seem a natural fit. In fact – I think so highly of monkeys – it would be awkward if I did not mention this movie.
First off… I seen where Expendables -3 is fixing to come out in this month. Let’s go ahead and call that one – Expendables-4. Because Planet of the Apes is Expendables-3… with monkeys. I mean – if Sylvester Stallone an’ Arnold Schwartsenmagegger were monkeys… this would be the perfect movie for them. A lot of shooting guns and explosions… with very little talking.
And see – I found this new Planet of the Apes movie disturbing. On account of – I love monkeys. I have often said the one thing God messed up when he invented America… was not giving us monkeys. I could go to the zoo – and I would spend the whole day at Monkey Island … watching monkeys. Hell – the elephants and giraffes could take the day off. They’d say … ‘Where’s Earl?’ And they’d go… ‘He’s watching the monkeys again.’
So naturally – it is a little disturbing to find out if things were reversed… if your monkeys were coming to the zoo to look at us… they’d be trying to kill us. There is apparently a dark side – to being a monkey. In fact – I’m not sure I want to go to the zoo and look at the monkeys anymore. Because there would be this unspoken tension. Know what I mean?
Here’s another thing… the monkeys take over San Francisco. You notice they don’t come out to where we live and try to kill rednecks. They really did get intelligent.
Wake up, America. So there’s my review of the Planet of the Apes movie. It’s Expendables-3 – if Sylvester Stallone was a monkey. And it kind of ruined my zoo-going experience. But if I was a monkey – I’d give it four thumbs up. I’m Earl Pitts… and Pitts Off.