My Commencement Speech for this Years Graduates

By on May 29, 2014

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play ‘got yer nose’ with Godzilla?

Yeah – it’s time for my annual commencement speech to the graduating class of two-zero-14.   Now – it dawns on me I have been imparting wisdom to the youth of this country for twenty some odd years.  And I never once got asked to give this speech in person – to a live actual group of graduates.

That’s weird.  Not asking me to give a graduation speech – is kind of like not asking Paris Hilton to be stupid.   Well anyways here’s my wisdom for this year.

So here’s my wisdom for this year.  As the band starts playing that song – pumped up and circumcised – and you march in with that stupid little square on your head – let these words rattle around in that empty space you call a brain.

You dummy kids may not have noticed this –but this country is trying to push back adulthood.   Now you can live with your parents until you’re 30.  You can stay on their insurance until you’re 26.   Hell – your mama will keep cutting the crust off your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until you’re 43.   It’s like your graduating class of two-zero-14 got a degree in Peter Pan – because you never have to grow up.

You are the most self-absorbed… coddled…. and protected bunch of losers this country’s education system ever spit out.   In the old days – a good-looking woman would tell you her eyes were up here… because she caught you staring at her rack.  Now it’s ‘cause she can’t get you to look away from some lame electric gizmo in your hand.   Hashtag –Put the phone down son, and look at her chest!

My advice – get a job.  Get out of your mama’s house.  Drop the virtual crap – and get an actual life.  That’s why it’s called ‘life’.

Wake up, America!  If you’re 30 – and your Mama’s still washing your underpants… that’s just so wrong.  Leave the nest – and good luck.  I’m Earl Pitts, American… and Pitts Off.

My Commencement Speech

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