You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna use a soup spoon to shovel out a Clydesdale’s stall?
There is no candy-coating this. I can’t put a happy spin on bad news. It’s as simple as this – I am married to a scratcher junkie. In fact – I don’t know how come the state don’t name schools, open spaces and highways after my old lady. I believe she is financing the state. One Jingle Bell scratcher at a time.
I mean, I didn’t know how bad it was until over the weekend… I had to drive her car to the Duck Inn. And there was two inches of latex scratcher dust on the floor-boards. Two winning one-dollar tickets tucked up in the visor.
Like last week – we were heading to her mama’s house for the holidays and had to stop for gas. I jump out of the car – and my old lady throws me a ten-dollar bill. She says, ‘Earl get me two Monopoly scratchers.’ And I go, ‘Pearl, that’s ten bucks you’re wasting.’ And she goes, ‘That’s not a waste, Earl. I bought two yesterday – and I won 40-bucks on one of them.’
So I done the math in my head
And I go… ‘Well, if you spent ten yesterday and won 40 – you’re up 30-bucks. Why don’t you just be happy with that?’
And she goes, ‘Well – I’m not actually up 30 on account of, I used 20 for four more Monopoly scratchers, and didn’t win.’ And I done the math in my head again. I go… ‘Well, if you got your original ten dollars back. You put that ten in your pocket… Thank the good lord you didn’t lose it – and move on.
Moreover, she goes… ‘Well, I didn’t actually pocket that ten. I bought ten one-dollar jingle buck tickets.’ I go, ‘Pearl – you got a problem.’ And she goes, ‘No I don’t – cause I won two dollars!’
So, I took her ten bucks, went in the gas station and bought her one two-dollar Crazy Cash ticket. I gave her the ticket and eight dollars change and said – ‘Now you are even.’ Half a mile down the road and she goes, ‘Look, Earl – I won five bucks!’
Wake up, America!! There’s got to be heroin addicts out there right now going, ‘This lady’s got a problem – with Monopoly scratchers.’ Yeah – I know – she’s got a scratcher monkey on her back – and no way back. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!