You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play Twister… with a grizzly bear?
I am one of those people… every day alive – I learn something different. Earl Pitts is a student of life. And this old brain just keeps soaking it in. Like – get this – I think I have solved the mystery of the Hatfields and McCoys.
Now – the Hatfields and McCoys were a couple of hillbilly clans in the old days – hated each other like you wouldn’t believe. And these two families hated each other for decades. Their hatred became famous. And a lot of people – even today – have no idea what started that feud. Well – after this weekend – I am willing to speculate.
I believe now the Hatfields and McCoys might have been fighting over ‘mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.’ Yeah – I did not know this until last weekend – but America is not only divided into red states and blue states. We also got mayonnaise people… and Miracle Whip people. And they pretty much hate each other, too.
See what happened was…
Our church had their end of summer covered dish picnic after services Sunday. Anytime we do covered dish anything at that church… it’s both a chance for fellowship… and an opportunity for a macaroni salad competition.
Now – in the name of Christian fellowship and neighborly love… I did put a scoop of Suzanne Sturgil’s salad on my paper plate. Took a little bite. And I nodded to the creator. I mean of the macaroni salad, obviously. And I said, ‘Good mac salad there, Suzanne.’
And my old lady is digging an elbow into my chest like she’s trying to pop a hole in my ribcage. She goes, ‘Don’t eat that Earl. Don’t eat that Earl!!!’ I go, ‘It’s pretty good… ‘ And she almost screams – ‘Spit it out!!!’ And she settles down and whispers… ‘Suzanne uses mayonnaise. We’re Miracle Whip people.’
Pearl smiles and nods her head… ‘Hi, Suzanne… ‘ And she looks at me and says under her breath… ‘Them Sturgils like to show off they got money, Earl… ‘ Yeah – I had no idea…
Wake up, America! On a stack of Bibles… I swear to you – I cannot tell the difference between the two. But I do know this now – we are Miracle Whip people. Get your mayonnaise out of our faces. I’m Earl Pitts, American – Pitts Off.