You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna mud wrestle a 30 foot anaconda?
Yeah – once again… they got new research out… to prove men are stupid. That’s like a whole scientific field anymore… ’Stupdiology’. “Yes – I look for different ways to show men how dumb they are. I’m a Stupidologist’.
So anyway… from the Stupidology Department from some prissy-pants stuck-up college in England… they found men drive an extra, “un-needed” 278 miles a year… on account of we won’t stop and ask for directions. Yeah – and they said… get this – over a man’s entire lifetime of driving… he will waste $3,000 in gasoline… lost.
I think I told y’all before…I would not know any of this stuff… because I have never been lost in my life. Even though several times – where I was going wasn’t where I thought it was.
I do not know what it is… I must have some Man-Tracker blood in me somewhere. I’m like the loyal tracker… sure footed… I got like a sixth sense when it comes to finding some place. Fact is – I’m so good… several times I have found places… I wasn’t even looking for!! Just stumbled on’em. Yeah.
See – I figure if you’re trying to get someplace… you got options. You can ask somebody that’s been there… how you get there. You could get a map or make a map quest in the computer. Or get one a’ them GPS gizmos. Or… here’s a better idea… let me drive.
I’ll tell you what… you drop me in the middle of that desert they got over there in Saudi Arabia. Put a blindfold on me… spin me around for half an hour… and then take the blindfold off… in the dark.
Day number one… I’ll find water. Day number two… I’ll find me a camel.
And on day three… I’ll find a harem of belly dancers. Day number four… I’ll be pulling in my driveway.
Wake up, America. Men are lost out here on the road… no way! We’re exploring. Lewis an’ Clark were not lost. Columbus wasn’t lost. Okay – technically – he was – a little. I’m not lost – I’m Earl Pitts… path-finder American. Pitts Off.