Married to a Suspicious and Jealous Woman

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna do barefoot jumping jacks in a room full a’ thumb-tacks?

Yeah – y’all been following all this government spying business?  That is something, ain’t it?  Yeah – it looks like those evil nit-wits in Washington have been tapping our phones….checking our emails…even been using drones to follow us around.  And I know a lot of you out there think this is unforgivable.  Y’all figure this a violation of the Constitution – they’re invading our sacred privacy.

Now to me – it ain’t no big deal.  I’m used to it.  On account of….I am married to a suspicious and jealous woman.   I mean – I don’t believe she’s droned me yet….but I wouldn’t be surprised.

Like the other day – I caught my old lady going through my pants pockets.  I says, ‘What are you doing, woman?’   She goes, ‘Earl – I got to wash your pants because it’s the maid’s day off.   And if I told you once, I told you a million times to empty your pockets before you put your pants in the dirty clothes.   We got more money deposited in the bottom of our washer – than we do at the bank!!   An’ last week you left a red Sharpie in your pocket – again!!!

Yeah – nice try, Pearl.  She was spying on me.  Lord – the woman should work for the government- she’s so dang cold about it.

Then the other day – Runt Wilson comes in the Duck Inn….and that boy looked like he seen a ghost.  The boy simply could not look me in the eye.  Finally – he says – ‘Earl – remember you telling me you were married to a jealous and suspicious woman?’  I nodded, and he sniffs an’ goes – ‘I think I am too.

I go, ‘What happened.’   He says…’My brother, Woodrow was making a delivery at the Holiday Inn….’  And he goes….’An’ he seen my wife in the bar with another man.’   I think on that for a second and I go,  ‘Ah….wait a minute, there Runt – she’s suspicious of you??’    And he says,  Why else would she be meeting a man  someplace where nobody would know her?’  He says…’She was meeting a private eye!’    He goes, “Earl….she’s having me tailed.’

I go…’Ahhhh…..okay, that’s one possibility.

Wake up, America.  Here’s possibility number two, Runt.  Indeed – somebody is getting tailed here.  It just ain’t you.    I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Pitts Off.