You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna do barefoot jumping jacks in a room full a’ thumb-tacks?
Yeah – y’all been following all this government spying business? That is something, ain’t it? Yeah – it looks like those evil nit-wits in Washington have been tapping our phones….checking our emails…even been using drones to follow us around. And I know a lot of you out there think this is unforgivable. Y’all figure this a violation of the Constitution – they’re invading our sacred privacy.
Now to me – it ain’t no big deal. I’m used to it. On account of….I am married to a suspicious and jealous woman. I mean – I don’t believe she’s droned me yet….but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Like the other day – I caught my old lady going through my pants pockets. I says, ‘What are you doing, woman?’ She goes, ‘Earl – I got to wash your pants because it’s the maid’s day off. And if I told you once, I told you a million times to empty your pockets before you put your pants in the dirty clothes. We got more money deposited in the bottom of our washer – than we do at the bank!! An’ last week you left a red Sharpie in your pocket – again!!!
Yeah – nice try, Pearl. She was spying on me. Lord – the woman should work for the government- she’s so dang cold about it.
Then the other day – Runt Wilson comes in the Duck Inn….and that boy looked like he seen a ghost. The boy simply could not look me in the eye. Finally – he says – ‘Earl – remember you telling me you were married to a jealous and suspicious woman?’ I nodded, and he sniffs an’ goes – ‘I think I am too.
I go, ‘What happened.’ He says…’My brother, Woodrow was making a delivery at the Holiday Inn….’ And he goes….’An’ he seen my wife in the bar with another man.’ I think on that for a second and I go, ‘Ah….wait a minute, there Runt – she’s suspicious of you??’ And he says, Why else would she be meeting a man someplace where nobody would know her?’ He says…’She was meeting a private eye!’ He goes, “Earl….she’s having me tailed.’
I go…’Ahhhh…..okay, that’s one possibility.
Wake up, America. Here’s possibility number two, Runt. Indeed – somebody is getting tailed here. It just ain’t you. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.