You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play naked Twister with a family of porky-pines?
I think we can now say – the millennial, hipster nut-jobs taking over this country are taking us places – we shouldn’t ought to be going. The era of the hard-working, right-thinking regular American is disappearing faster than the horse and buggy days. And I have not consented to leave.
This is the latest. Okay, get this. My old lady is reading me a list of different Christmas gifts she might get me. She likes to read a list every year out loud to see if she gets a rise out of me on anything she says.
Anyway, one of these present ideas… she says… “a manscaping grooming” set. And I’m like “What in the Sam Hill is that?” She goes, “Men are shaving more than just their faces now, Earl.” And I go, “I know some of these exhibitionist men like to shave their chests. Hey – look at me and Arnold Schwazen-meggegger. It looks like we wax paper our chests. All shiny and slippery. Yeah. But I told you when that got popular to count me out. When a woman snuggles with her man – it should be like cuddling with Sasquatch.” ‘And besides,’ I says, “I don’t want to put a razor blade that sharp, that close to my nipples. Goodness knows, I’m not always that steady. And I don’t want to go through life wearing a nipple-patch.”
And Pearl kind of giggles and she goes, “Earl, it’s not your chest. Men are now shaving… downstairs.” And I go, “Wait a minute. You mean… like in the basement?’ And she smiles and she goes… “No, Earl. Down… stairs.”
Now – hang on a second. Manscaping? I’m scared to death to shave my chest. And you think I want to start cutting the forest down around Harry and the Hendersons?? What are you thinking, woman? She says – it’s called manscaping, and it’s designed to please your woman.
I says… I call it crazy, Pearl. And I don’t want to be working the emergency room on Christmas night. The only time you need to shave down-stairs… is before surgery.
Wake up, America!! Man – the blood bank better be ready. They’re gonna be wheeling men in there all night long. Except this guy. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Get my new book at Amazon – and Pitts Off!
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