You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go to the wild game restaurant an’ order a plate of ribs. Yeah – the elephant ribs!!
You know how my buddy, Dub Meeker all the times got these get rich quick schemes? The guy’s got more goofy ideas than Ron Popeil on crack. Well – this time… I got one myself. And my plan stars… Dub Meeker.
Let me ask you a question – y’all ever seen that crazy eating show they got on the TV? This idiot pig goes around the country looking for those restaurants that got giant food. You know… you eat a 72-ounce steak in a hour… and you get a T-shirt. That’s the whole show… this greasy-faced doofuss stuffing his gut.
Well – I’m watching this show… and I’m thinking… Dub Meeker eats like that every day!! The guy’s like a shop vac… for food. I have actually watched Dub Meeker eat… and got frightened. It’s like watching the Exorcist – with the green stuff going the other direction.
And I figured there’s two ways we can make money on this boy’s appetite. Number one – we get us our own TV show… ’Dub Versus Food’. Because obviously – people can’t get enough of watching a slobby-looking fat guy gorge himself like a hyena on a zebra carcass. And I know for a fact – those TV people make a helluva lot more than us regular folks. So we could get rich.
Now -if we can’t get a TV show… we still got plan B. We still cruise around the country with Dub Meeker eating stuff from coast to coast. And then… Then – we sell the free T-shirts after we get them. Either way – we make out like bandits.
And don’t get confused with those guys that eat 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes… or 200 hot wings in a half-hour. This is NOT competitive eating. This is exhibition eating. So of course… there will be no wagering…
Wake up, America! You wanna watch Dub Meeker eat a 20-pound hamburger with a French fry as big as a baseball bat? Call you cable provider now. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.