Proud owners of a Luxury Mattress

By on May 18, 2015
Luxury Mattress

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go to Fairy Tale land… and keep poking Rip Van Winkle awake?

Yeah – you’re gonna like this story… this is about how me and Mrs. Pitts ended up the owners of a luxury mattress.  See – what happened was – my old lady has been begging me to buy a new mattress for the last five years.  She says the old one was lumpy, sagging and shot.

And I would say… ‘Obviously I like my mattresses – like I like my women.’

She goes… she don’t like that old mattress no more… on account of its ‘love history’.  She says every time she crawls in bed… I roll over and start on her with my desires.  And I go – ‘Pearl – them springs is shot to hell.  I roll over to you – that ain’t love… that’s gravity.’

So anyway – we finally went and got us a new mattress.  Now chances are – if you are a redneck like me – you never bought a new mattress.   On account of – there is always somebody you know or somebody related to you – looking to get rid of an old mattress.  You get you a mattress pad to cover up the strange stains – a good old mattress sleeps just like a new mattress.

And let me just say – that is what I used to think.   Until I laid on a new mattress.  Now – I don’t want to give out no free advertising on the blog here… so let me just say – this was a mattress store that had a sale on President’s Day.

You walk in there… it is like a mattress-palooza.  There were maybe 200 mattresses in there… on frames… and just waiting to be ‘floor-tested’.  And since I figured I was gonna drop some serious coin in this store… I aimed to test every single one of them.   You got your spring mattresses… you got your foam mattresses… you got your air mattresses.  They even had water bed mattresses – for hippies and hookers.  This place had it all.

Guy in there goes – ‘May I help you pick out a mattress?’  And I go, ‘Unless you plan to sleep with us… I’m not sure your input would count…’   So he woke us up about two hours later… and he goes, ‘You like that one?’  And we go – ‘We’ll take it.’

Wake up, America!!!   Hard to believe the best sleep I got in the last twenty years… was two hours at a mattress store.   They’re delivering it today – so I might not make it tomorrow.  I’m Earl Pitts, American – like me on Facebook.  And Pitts Off.

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