You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get a step ladder and one of those circus teeter-totter boards… and launch penguins?
Yeah – we were down at the Duck Inn again last night. And me and the boys were solving some of our bigger national issues. Dub Meeker says he heard where ol’ Whoopi Goldberg says she wants to leave America again. She says these illegal aliens and the wall and all the politics got her head spinning – and she’s not sure she even wants to live here no more.
Well – she got a point. This immigration wall thing is a puzzle. Wrapped in a conundrum… stuffed with mysteries… and labeled as a befuddlement… then put in a FedEx box
But you know the Duck Inn crowd, right? We don’t find a problem, whine about it, cuss and swear – and then grab our long-necks and leave. No sir – we solve problems.
Now get this – okay. There are tens of thousands of illegal immigrants on the border wanting in. I’m correct, right? And there are thousands more American celebrities that want out. Correct again, right? So – let’s do a swap.
Whoopi moves out
One of your refugees can move in. When I first proposed this – Dub Meeker goes… ‘That don’t work, Earl.’ He goes, ‘There are tens of thousands of people at the border wanting in – and maybe only two or three thousand celebrities wanting out. You’ll never clear the mess up down there at the border.
So, we done some more thinking. Maybe it’s some kind of point system. And I think it should be based on major awards won. For example, Barbra Streisand wants to leave. She’s got a boat-load of Grammys, maybe even an Oscar… I honestly don’t follow her career. But let’s say she could move out – and maybe 20 refugees could move in. Now we’re talking, right?
Robert DeNiro moves out. Maybe five or six immigrants get to move in. Cher moves out. Another five or six immigrants get in. And Junior Meeker goes, ‘I think I see a problem, Earl. Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. Do we count Star Search wins? Otherwise – the two of them only get one refugee in.’ And I go – ‘Maybe we can do another system – based on weight.’
Wake up, America! And another six to ten refugees move right in. Little ones, anyway. I’m Earl Pitts, American problem-solver. Pitts Off!