You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna judge the bean-eating contest at the Miss Over-Sized America contest?? It’s when lady farts!
Yeah – me and the boys was breaking up like hyenas on laughing gas last night. Runt Wilson told us about this story he heard. Now get this… romantic couples who pass gas in front of each other… are more likely to last longer as couples. On account of beeping your butt horn in front of each other is a sign of honesty. It shows acceptance and true love. Even if you do got to roll down the windows.
And then he starts to singing… ‘Instead of breaking up… I wish that we were breaking wind again… ‘ Like he was Runt Sedaka.
Now I says, ‘Runt. I have done my own research. Based on personal experience. I have developed the lady farts profile of the female life-span. On account of it’s drastically different than your male profile.
It all began when..
Like – first off – you meet a girl. It’s love at first sight. You want to spend every waking hour with her. Only problem is… it’s perplexing… but you’re not sure she’s ever tossed out an air-biscuit in her life. It seems odd. And other-worldly.
Then one night on her parents couch… the two of you are wrestling… or maybe you’re tickling her. And she accidentally beeps the horn. You get confused – what just happened? And she gets all embarrassed. It’s a cute moment in every couple’s life.
Well – it turns out the two of you have broke the ice – not to mention the wind. Because the man will think, ‘If she can – so can I.’ And he will start ripping them like he’s got a chain-saw in his pants. There is no turning back once a man has released the thunder.
Now technically – the woman has squeezed the duck in front of you. But for her – it is still not a respectable body function. So you spend the first thirty years or so of your marriage… with your old lady looking at you in disgust every time your turtle burps. She does it too… but discreetly. Because she’s a woman – and she’s better than you.
And then I get serious. I says, But then something happens, boys. I don’t know… but once your woman gets my old lady’s age… it’s Katie bar the back door! She will release the Kraken at the drop of a hat. In fact – last night… she dropped a hat. Bent over to pick it up – PPHHHFFFTTT!!! Whoa!! Too bad you can’t open a picture window when you old lady farts. But then, my old lady… is always going to be my “Old Lady”.
Wake up, America! I don’t know if maybe your older women digest food different… or they just been holding back all these years. But they are definitely making up for lost time. I’m Earl Pitts – American Pitts Off.