You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go to the North Pole and sucker-punch elves?
Y’all seen where Jose Canseco is selling his middle finger? It’s true. For those of you that don’t know – Jose Canseco was a steroid-sucking super-star of the baseball field. Maybe a touch on the stupid side – but he did hit 462 homeruns. But then he became a stoolie after he retired… admitted he was doping – and named names of other dopers, too.
Now – he was cleaning his gun about a month ago and shot off his finger. Figuring he already shot off his mouth – what’s one more body part? The doctors reattached it… but it fell off again. So Mr. Canseco said he was going to sell his middle finger – on the Internet.
And I intend to buy it.
Now – people are asking me – ‘Earl – what can you do – with Jose Canseco’s middle finger?’ To me – it’s more a question – what can’t you do?
Number one – I can pick my nose while watching TV. And when my old lady goes, ‘Get your finger out of your nose – that’s disgusting.’ I’ll just say, ‘It’s not my finger. It’s Jose Canseco’s’
Number two – I can flip off people in traffic. And when people track me down and get up in my face… wanting to know how come I made an obscene gesture. I’ll just say – ‘You got the wrong guy. It wasn’t me. It was Jose Canseco.’
Number three – I can go on a cross-country crime-spree… and leave Jose Canseco fingerprints. I could do the crime… Jose Canseco can do the time.
Number four – I could take Jose Canseco’s finger to wherever they got Ted Williams’ head… and stick it in the freezer with Ted’s head. Hopefully someday science will be advanced enough… they could bring back a whole outfield.